Wednesday, November 26, 2008

#1 TURNS 9 and an Anniversay Movie

#1 turned 9 last weekend. She got what every 9 year old wants. A rock polisher. When we quickly read through the instructions, we read that it takes 2-4 days. That seems about right for a rock and a kids attentions span. When we pulled it out of the box and started the directions, the first stage was 2-4 days, the second stage is 7-14 days and then another 8 days for stage 3. That is 26 days of the rock polisher constantly rotating in the garage. 26 days so she can have a few shiny rocks. You know, the kind of shiny rocks that you can buy in the little leather bag in Yellowstone for $1.29. Maybe this will teach her a valuable lesson about patience.Here is a picture of #1 soon after birth. Everyone talks about how beautiful babies are. They are not all beautiful. When they get suctioned out and get stuck in the birth canal, leaving them with a cone head and a broken nose, they are not cute. When their eyes are looking in different directions, much like a chameleon, she looked more alien than human. But after a few days, she got cute and we have loved her very much for all of her life, even when she looked like an alien.

This last week we also celebrated our wedding anniversary. We went out to a nice dinner and then went to see "Twilight". I wanted to go and see something with more explosions and full frontal nudity but i was outvoted. I never read the book so i had no preconceived ideas coming into the movie. We didn't go on opening night but we did buy our tickets before dinner in case it sold out. We hurried through dinner so we could go and get a good seat but by the time we got to the theatre, there was already a line formed outside the theatre.
After waiting for 45 minutes, the showing before us finally got out, but then they had to go in and clean the theatre before they would let us in. We got in, but since we were towards the back of the line, we could not find 2 seats together. We walked around for a while but there wasn't anything. What's with saving seats at a movie anyway? Either they oversold the movie or people snuck in. We finally decided that since we don't talk during the movie anyway, it would be ok for us to sit on different rows with her in the seat directly in front of me. I realized before the movie started that i was one of only 3 guys in there. Apparently, 2 other guys were outvoted as well. The rest of the theatre was full of groups of 4-6 women, each giggling about Edward and about leaving their kids with their husbands and about scrapbooking. I am not kidding when i tell you that i heard the girl in front of us in line talking about how she was going to save her movie ticket and make a "Twilight" page in her scrapbook. As the previews started to roll, megan decided that she wanted a Fresca since her stomach was a little uneasy, presumably from eating dinner so fast. She left her money in the car and all i had was a debit card. I gave her my whole wallet since i couldn't see to pull out the right debit card in the dark theatre, and she went to get a drink. She came back and sat down just before the movie started.
I got about 15-20 minutes into the movie before i decided it wasn't for me.
That is the beauty of being married for 11 years, we realize that there are things that she likes and there are things that i like and they don't always coincide. I told her i was going to find a different movie and i would call her when it was done.
I left the theatre and walked around until i found Quantum of Solace, a movie that Megan wouldn't want to watch and i could handle more than the vampire movie. I walked past the ticket taker and flashed my torn ticket and pretended like i just went out to use the bathroom. I walked in and looked around for a seat in a already darkened theatre. As i stood there, someone walked in behind me and touch me on the shoulder. As i turned around, they turned on a tiny flashlight and asked to see my ticket.
A lot of things were running through my head at this point. Almost all of them led to a lie or deciept of some sort.

"I lost my ticket"
"i wanted to see this movie but the automatic ticket printer printed the wrong ticket"
"My name is Bryce Johnson, and i am really sorry."
"I think my wife is cheating on me and i followed her to this theatre so i could catch her in the act"

When i pulled out my ticket and it was clearly for the 7:10 showing of Twilight, he asked me to come with him.
I left the theatre and could now see him in the light. He was maybe 22 years old and wearing a suit that was 2 sizes to big, even though he was not a skinny man. His name tag read Jeremy and he had a small diamond stud earing. When we got into the lobby, he turned to me and started a lecture about how what i did was stealing. Every ticket is accounted for and if i go and see one movie after paying for a different movie, then i was stealing from one company and giving it to another,... Blah BLah Blah. After listening to him ramble on for 2 minutes, i told him to save his breath, i would just pay for the other movie and be on my way. He said it wasn't that easy,... blah blah blah, I probably also pirate movies from the internet, Blah blah, blah.
I reached for my wallet and realized that Megan never gave it back after buying her drink. Here i was, standing in the movie theatre lobby on my anniversary getting yelled at by someone who couldn't get a job anywhere but at a movie theatre, and now he was weilding his assistant managerial power and authority like his tiny little MagLight. I had no wallet or ID, but at least i had the car keys. I could just take off running and call Megan and tell her to find her own way home. I was pretty sure i could out run him. But then it occurred to me that they might use surveillance cameras and my face could end up on the news and on the wall in the post office. "

"Hey Megan, i know we agreed to not get anything for each other for our anniversary, but i decided to get you this glamour shot i had an orange jumpsuit.....holding a black sign that has a case number on front of a bunch of marks showing how tall i am. Oh and here is another picture of that identifying birthmark on my rear end. I hope you like it. I will see about getting you a wallet size, if you want"

Jeremy finally agreed that if i paid for the second movie, he would not call the cops. I didn't want to call megan out of her blood-sucking fantasyland so instead Jeremy let me go and sit in the managers office until the movie was done when i could get my wallet and pay for the other movie. I walked down some back hall and into a small office that was over crowded with movie displays and vaccuums. Jeremy explained what was going on to his boss and his boss apologized to me, but offered me a seat in the corner. I felt like i was a little kid that had just been put in timeout.
I sent a text to Megan telling her to call me when she was done. I spent the next hour watching people walk in and out of the managers office asking stupid questions or asking for time off so they could go to their nephews birthday party. I even got to hear Jeremy's boss call and fire a girl over the phone for missing her 3rd shift in 2 weeks. Megan finally called me and i told her where to meet me. She came to where Jeremy and i were waiting, I got my wallet and went to the window and paid for a movie ticket for a movie that i didn't see. Megan had a puzzled look on her face but didn't say anything. As i was leaving i made a snide comment about how i paid for 2 movies and didn't see either, and He made some comment back to me about stealing. We walked out to the car and i explained to Megan what happened.
I hope you liked your movie.


Mandy said...

That was the best post ever, thanks for the laughs!!!! Tyler agrees that newborns look like aliens!

Courtney said...

very funny.

Megan said...

I used to say "You know how I can tell that my husband is lying? His lips are moving." Apparently I need to change that to "his lips are moving or he is typing".
The real story: He took me out to a nice dinner...and then we wandered around the home improvement store for a while looking at closet organizers.

P.S. I was NOT going to share Edward with him. I saved Twilight for my girls night out.

Brit H. said...

That was all a LIE??? Seth, you have quite the active imagination. Names, nephews, everything. Does your boss know that you spend all of your time making up posts?

Ha ha. It was really funny and definitely entertaining anyway!